A Brits Guide to American History-Part 1 Guest Post from SCGeordie

George Washington

Over here you are taught the “American” version of history, what actually happened was……………

Picture the scene…..England, enraged by the despicable waste of our national drink, that glorious nectar tea (drink hot with milk and sugar) by those naughty colonists, the people are in uproar and demand we cut them loose before they start throwing sausages into Boston harbour. The King arranged a night out with GW (George Washington not Bush) and his mates (Sam Adams was there) in a pub outside Greenwich (England) called “The Paul Revere” to see if they can come up with a plan by which the American colony could be cut loose without any of the other colony’s wanting the same ‘freedom’.

English: Interior of The Green Dragon Inn at H...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the course of the evening a great deal of Theakstones ‘Old Peculiar’ was consumed (having been rushed down to Greenwich especially for the occasion by 3 men on horseback, from the Theakstones brewery in North Yorkshire). At one point Sam Adams described the beer as “revolutionary”, GW thought the idea of having 3 men bring the beer to them “relay fashion” was a “revolutionary idea” and commented on the fact on more than one occasion, which made KG (King George) develop a rather bad twitch as the word reminded him of a story he’d heard about those frencheys and how they kept cutting people’s heads off. By the end of the evening everyone was thoroughly drunk, but they had decided on a plan………..they just forgot to write it down! They all shook hands as they left the pub confident they had reached what would be a landmark decision in the history of the two country’s, then made their way home, KG went back to London, GW and his mates headed for Plymouth and a boat back across the pond. The next morning all awoke with the worst hangovers they had ever experienced, GW and his mates spent most of the day leaning over the side of the boat giving it the old ‘multicoloured yawn’ as they watched the swinging lanterns of Plymouth harbour disappear over the horizon. KG thought he was going mad his head hurt so bad, and why oh why did he keep seeing images of people getting their heads cut off, his ministers thought he’d gone quite mad and when he told them that the American colony was to be allowed to leave the Commonwealth in return for what he described as “an endless supply of bad movies, chewing gum and something called MacDonalds”, none of them believed him, although they did agree that America would not be allowed any more sausages.Later the same day the good ship Concord (a British ship that held the record for the fastest transatlantic crossing) arrived back in Boston. GW and Sam Adams knew they’d decided something the night before, they knew it was important but they couldn’t remember exactly what it was. Sam Adams couldn’t get the taste of Theakstones Old Peculiar out of his head and decided there and then he would open a brewery in an attempt to reproduce that revolutionary beer. GW meanwhile, tried to write down everything he could remember of the previous nights encounter on some headed notepaper he’d pocketed from the good ship Concord……King George, revolution, twitching …….what did the name Paul Revere mean to him????? KG muttering something about a French broad called Madame Jill O’teen or something (he sounded mad)….revolution………why did that word keep coming up?????? 3 men riding relay style through the night……..lanterns apparently hanging in mid air…….what did it all mean? Setting his quill and paper to one side GW decided the only way to get rid of this hangover was the traditional English method, a full English breakfast (even though it was supper time), bacon, sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes beans, mushrooms and fried bread. Just as he sat down to eat, knife and fork at the ready the door burst open and in walked a British soldier………”sausages…..SAUSAGES IS IT?”…. “we’ll have none of that……sausages is banned in these parts”, with that he grabbed the fork out of GW’s left hand and deftly skewered the sausages, turned on his heels, and left. GW sat in stunned silence for a full 30 seconds, he looked forlornly at his plate, his gaze moved to his now empty left hand, no sausages, no fork to eat with……….”THIS IS WAR!” When news of the American uprising reached KG he decided that must have been what they had agreed on, on the night of bad memories (as he now called it, seeing as how all he could remember was a terrible hangover and someone scaring him with stories about people getting their heads cut off) and decided he should just go along with it. The rest is history, but in summing up, you now know that KG had already agreed to let the American colony go off and do it’s own thing, you also know why you can’t get a decent sausage here and why no-one seems to be able to use a knife and fork. Years later someone called Longfellow found the piece of paper where GW had scribbled his memories of the night in the pub with KG and decided to write a poem about it.

Wikipedia

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “A Brits Guide to American History-Part 1 Guest Post from SCGeordie

  1. Dear Serene Scribe, witty post! Thanks for the way you write, I really enjoy reading your posts. “England, enraged by the despicable waste of our national drink, that glorious nectar tea”.I believe the English language sounds like poetry even when it is prose. :-)

    • I can’t take the credit on this one as it was a guest post…but thank you!! And thanks for your support as always. I agree, it makes me, lovely language! And of course I agree on the tea front!

  2. I recently read a very different account of the American Revolution in “New York” by Edward Rutherfurd (a very different account of the Civil War, too BTW)…but not as funny as yours!

  3. rofl…this is so darn funny on so many levels!! And, yes, the revolutionary war was a “sausage war”…ummm…I meant, men fighting men war…lol. Very creative and very funny :)

    • Thanks, it was a guest post by a Brit of course! A Brit who can’t find decent sausage, bacon and who can’t understand why we don’t use our silverware as they do. I don’t understand it myself.

      • But we all know sporks will make every other untensil obsolete..lol.
        On a side note, since we are on the topic of Brits. It was a HUGE day for Brits in Tour de France today; Winner of today’s stage 7 race, winner of Polka dot jersey, and winner of Yellow jersey for today. I think its a worthy news to share with your guest writer :)

  4. Brilliant one…had me smiling all the way :)

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