Stuff My Daddy Says…

My name is not Justin Halpern and I am not a comedy writer.  I don’t need to be in comedy because the things that come out of my father’s mouth are funny enough.  What makes his utterings truly hysterical is that he doesn’t think a thing of them. He says them with a straight face and goes on with his day. Here is a sampling:

  • A couple of weeks ago a meteor exploded over several states. The meteor made national news and I called my father to see if he had heard anything. He said “the house shook and the windows rattled. I figured the house next door blew up.”  I laughed and when I asked, so if you thought that what did you do about it? He said “nothing. I didn’t feel like getting up. I figured I’d wait to see if the fire engines came.”
  • My father had the ever dreaded physical and for men over 40 that means a prostate exam.  The doctor entered the room and proceeded to put on rubber gloves.  My father’s response to this was, “I hope you’re getting ready to do some dishes.”
  • My father had surgery many years ago. It was in a sensitive area of his colon and it was to be expected that going to the bathroom would be uncomfortable if not painful.  When he went for his follow-up appointment the doctor asked about this. He said, so have you passed a stool?  My father said, “A STOOL!  IT FELT LIKE A TABLE AND FOUR CHAIRS!”
  • My stepmother is a hairdresser and has always cut my father’s hair as well.  After one cut she sized him up and said she wasn’t that happy about it as it made his head look square. She joked that he looked like SpongeBob.  Cut to a few months later, we are all out to dinner and my father drops his fork.  He leans over near me to pick it up.  As he struggles to get back up he whispers to me “I almost hit the corner of my head on the table.”
  • I was typing away on facebook while visiting my father and when he saw that he   picked up the laptop I gave him and declared that he was going to the Google Earth website to look around.  He asked me to name someplace I’d been that he could check out.   So,  I said Stratford-upon-Avon. He chastised me stating “not that place it’s too much to type!”  So I said ok, go to Skye.  He got busy with that. I asked him if he could see Dunvegan Castle and he said “I’m not there yet” and at the same time his dog started barking at the next door neighbors.  He shouted (and meant it) “Shut up! You’re ruining my trip!”


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16 responses to “Stuff My Daddy Says…

  1. Very funny!! I especially love the last one. 🙂

  2. That picture of you and your dad is just priceless, it pretty much sums it all
    On another thought, I wish I had a daughter 😦

  3. SO Love and miss him and Ronnie. What a hoot. I can remember laughing for hours. It was like I Love Lucy meets the Honeymooners meets the Godfather. That was my experience anyway. I still remember the time you fooled him with the dish delay watching Jeopardy.

  4. fullwellytillitgoesbang

    Sounds a great bloke…..Maybe there’s a book in it…. {:o)

  5. purpleowltree1234

    *laughing again* My dad’s just an idiot in every way; it is so refreshing to hear of a dad who is actually hilarious and adorable! :o)

    • Rach, now you’re making me laugh! You know how it is with families, they (and we) all have our moments! He is funny that’s for sure. He and my stepmother are a comedy duo!

      • purpleowltree1234

        Haha, no, I was actually serious! haha He’s one of those rare people who does not have one half-saving quality about him! I haven’t seen him since I was 18 (I’m 38 now). I’m always entranced with dads who are actually funny or nice or smart or Something good. ;o) I look forward to following any installments you have on your dad. :o) Love from Rach

      • Awww, sorry to hear it. I’m happy to share mine, no worries. Hope he comes to his senses at some point!

        I’m sure my father will come up with something and you’ll be the first to know! (hugs)

      • purpleowltree1234

        Cool! :o)
        Actually, thinking about it, there is sometimes hilarity even from idiots. My dad actually has been one of the funniest people I’ve ever known, but completely unintentionally, and purely at his expense. Some of his excuses for his behaviours when he’s gotten caught have actually been stellar. My brother, mom, friends and I still use some of his excuses regularly, as a comedy. We often say, “Oh, I was doing research for the church!” like my dad said when he got caught downloading porn at work.. at church.. There is definitely humour in the macabre. :o)
        Love from Rach

  6. purpleowltree1234

    Gotta stop putting noses on my smiley faces in WordPress! They come out all wrong! 🙂

    • That is EXACTLY the kind of thing I would write about. Might be cathartic and would definitely be funny!

      • purpleowltree1234

        That’s why I love your humour so much!!! 🙂 There is nothing better than very dark humour! 🙂

      • I know no one likes to be told what to write-the inspiration must come from inside but I’d really love to read that one!

      • purpleowltree1234

        I’ve got to get ready to go out now, but yes, I definitely think that is where my next post is headed!!! hahahahha!!! THANK YOU!! I was in an inspirationless corner with regards to my Blog. You’ve just inspired me!! 🙂 hahahaha I’ll be giggling non-stop til I get this written now! haha! Thank you Dana!! Love from Rach

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