Stuff My Daddy Says…

My name is not Justin Halpern and I am not a comedy writer.  I don’t need to be in comedy because the things that come out of my father’s mouth are funny enough.  What makes his utterings truly hysterical is that he doesn’t think a thing of them. He says them with a straight face and goes on with his day. Here is a sampling:

• A couple of weeks ago a meteor exploded over several states. The meteor made national news and I called my father to see if he had heard anything. He said “the house shook and the windows rattled. I figured the house next door blew up.”  I laughed and when I asked, so if you thought that what did you do about it? He said “nothing. I didn’t feel like getting up. I figured I’d wait to see if the fire engines came.”
• My father had the ever dreaded physical and for men over 40 that means a prostate exam.  The doctor entered the room and proceeded to put on rubber gloves.  My father’s response to this was, “I hope you’re getting ready to do some dishes.”
• My father had surgery many years ago. It was in a sensitive area of his colon and it was to be expected that going to the bathroom would be uncomfortable if not painful.  When he went for his follow-up appointment the doctor asked about this. He said, so have you passed a stool?  My father said, “A STOOL!  IT FELT LIKE A TABLE AND FOUR CHAIRS!”
• My stepmother is a hairdresser and has always cut my father’s hair as well.  After one cut she sized him up and said she wasn’t that happy about it as it made his head look square. She joked that he looked like SpongeBob.  Cut to a few months later, we are all out to dinner and my father drops his fork.  He leans over near me to pick it up.  As he struggles to get back up he whispers to me “I almost hit the corner of my head on the table.”
• I was typing away on facebook while visiting my father and when he saw that he   picked up the laptop I gave him and declared that he was going to the Google Earth website to look around.  He asked me to name someplace I’d been that he could check out.   So,  I said Stratford-upon-Avon. He chastised me stating “not that place it’s too much to type!”  So I said ok, go to Skye.  He got busy with that. I asked him if he could see Dunvegan Castle and he said “I’m not there yet” and at the same time his dog started barking at the next door neighbors.  He shouted (and meant it) “Shut up! You’re ruining my trip!”