A Silenced Writer

Writer's block

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How does one write about not writing?  I’m not referring to writer’s block. I’m talking about when a particular topic is off-limits.  I’m talking about wanting to write about something so bad it hurts.  It is right there in front of me, tempting me all the while.  It’s like when someone tells the  funniest  joke you ever heard.  You are about to burst with laughter when your boss walks in the room and you must reverse thrust to avoid being inappropriate.  It is a lot of energy to hold back, like a sneeze.  The kind of feeling that sort of implodes and you are left feeling somehow frustrated and unfulfilled. You knew it would have been such a good release but now the moment has gone and you are left alone waiting for it to kind of reabsorb.   My writing is relegated to talking about things outside of my profession. If it wasn’t, I’d have an easy book to write, let me tell you.

I am ever the observer as sentences and images form in my head constantly. Images which have flown out and crashed to the ground as of late, grudgingly censored by me.  So frustrating!  My fingers have been twitching to bang out letters on the keyboard, illustrating idiosyncracies, inconsistencies, contradictions, kindnesses, heart wrenching tales which would make grown men cry and mind-blowing stories that have brought me to my knees. But I can’t!  For this reason I have written fluff instead of substance.  Why I can not compartmentalize and move ahead with other thoughts and projects I have no idea.

I have gone through a series of experiences recently which were overwhelming, exciting, scary, frustrating, stressful, invigorating and did I mention overwhelming? I am not permitted though to bring them into the public domain.  I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants. I’ve jumped through hoops, I’ve been flexible and most of all,  I’ve listened and learned. And, I hope my listening has helped.

Other ideas have paled in comparison and so I decided not to write about them.  Writing about not writing and picking at the edges of this larger experience is helpful to a degree I suppose. Getting it out there to be able to move on is the goal.

What I can say is that doing something scary, that moves me out of my comfort zone, has in short order proven to be an invaluable experience.  I have been honored to learn more about a group of people who have humbled me, to say the least.  I so wish I could share the experience with you.

We rarely move out of our comfort zones and don’t realize that we have until we are shocked and horrified, usually with an accompanying “what was I thinking?”   I think that making major changes in life will always be a rewarding experience, no matter what the experience turns out to be and I recommend it highly.  As for this dramatic Italian though, the silence is killing me!

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “A Silenced Writer

  1. Would the result be different if you went incognito? hide your identitiy from this blog?

  2. Write about it anyway. Fictionalize it, burn off the edges, crumple the papery insides, smudge some ink on a corner, put it through the wash. But then pull it out, open it up and let us see. I offer nothing else, cause your experience sounds pretty frustrating.

  3. Maybe it’s more than a blog post … why not write it as a private journal and see where it goes sometime in the future?

  4. purpleowltree1234

    Now my mind’s going all sorts of places trying to figure out what has happened to you that you’re not allowed to write about. I hope you’re okay. I hope it makes you stronger. And you can always email it to me privately!! Hahaha! :)
    *Caring*
    love from Rach.

  5. fullwellytillitgoesbang

    You know what Mae West one said…… “Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you”…..

    Sooooo true, methinks.

    I WISH I’d managed to keep one over the years, (although it wasn’t for the want of trying during quite a few Januarys…. I’ve found that Old unwritten diaries make great rough notebooks).

    I have so many things that I’d love to write to me shockingly neglected blog, but can’t because it’s known to those who know me and also because of professional protocols, even though I’m out of the daily grind now. I can feel your gnawing frustration bleeding into that posting and sympathise.

    Still, you’ve given us all imagined scenarios unravelling in many different ways in our minds by your mystery here, and that in itself is something.

    But you already knew that, right. {:o)

    Have a hug, @
    Kevin.x
    P.S.
    That’s a thoroughly respectful British peck-on-the-cheek, so fear not one jot for your delicate tonsils

    • What can I say? You absolutely hit the nail on the head-you get me! It is precisely due to confidentiality that I can not post certain things. But I was hoping to get the point across of how absolutely frustrating it has been and of course being a bit mysterious is always fun! You cracked me up with the delicate tonsils remark. If you recall, I lived in England for a few years and am of Italian decent so am very comfy with a kiss and hug xx (euro kiss back)

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        Yup. I get you. {:o)

        I have often thought how unjust it is that people who derserve it stay safely hidden away from any exposure, but at the same time are free to do great harm without penalty. It’s what made me finally throw in the towel after thirty-eight years at the ‘coal face’ in the ‘caring field’ and ‘retire’ to burn savings up that were meant for that retirement happening when it was planned.

        Still… mustn’t grumble eh? {:oj

        Euro kiss(es) much appreciated. Makes an old greaser a happy man. {:o) xx

  6. I have never commented on your blogs previously but have been following you for the last year. You are a remarkable writer, and what I think you should to is to take the next BIG step and start incorporating your experiences, be they overwhelming, scary, stressful, etc., and start on a what would probably be a cannot-put-it-down novel. I would spend money on you as would many others i believe. Just let those fingers fly over the keyboard and let what you know lead you. Keep on doing your blog too, as I would truly miss that. Best of luck to you Dana!!

    Cookie.M

    • Wow! Thank you so much, that was so generous of you to say and it really meant a lot to me. I do flirt with the great American novel…thanks! Happy New Year and wishing you the best as well :)

  7. Anonymous

    Why can’t you write about it? What bad thing will happen?

  8. Dana
    This proves that your amazing ability to write is one of your preferred modes of communication. I have a private blog where I write about things I can’t publish. Somehow it helps me drain my brain in familiar territory, especially when those thoughts are a roadblock to writing.
    Red

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  10. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Well, the title of this post brought me in, but now I’m DYING TO KNOW!!! Please, please say this is but a teaser & you will spill all next time.

    Ugh!

  11. You are the best silenced, and still silenced, writer I have ever known.lol I am very impressed by the duration of your stillness :)

    • Ha! Just saw this. I know, haven’t been on or been writing in ages. It saddens me truly. I hope this note finds you well bloggy friend!

      • haha, thanks for reminding me I still have my blogging account and wordpress hasn’t kicked me out yet.lol. I bet you had a fantastique Thanksgiving with all your loved ones :)

  12. Cookie McCandless

    Dana on that note, please return to us. I cannot bear another silent day. I miss you!!

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